Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
