Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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