i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Randomize
