Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
