kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
