I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
