I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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