we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
We're too hungover to prance.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
