he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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