dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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