3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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