I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
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