just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
