i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Randomize
