i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
