Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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