Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Watching her eat just hurts me
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
