By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
