My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
