Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
