the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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