like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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