I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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