Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
