There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
