No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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