So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
No subtext here. People are naked.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
