I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
