Will you blow on my dice?
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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