Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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