Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
