Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
