so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
