Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
