even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
