I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
