Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
