I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
This is not my ceiling
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I want her autograph on my taint
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
