The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
