Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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