Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize