atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
There r osticjed everywhere
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
