i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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