She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
