Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My bed is full of blood and feathers
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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