she looked like the bat from fern gully.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
