i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
