oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
