It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
it was like eating out sand paper
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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