I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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