Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
