Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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