Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
