Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
