wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I am full of burrito and curiosity
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
