Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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