Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just googled if crying burns calories
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
