if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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