birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
