Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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